Just had my “Letter to Them” posted on line

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If you could write a letter to your birth mother, your birth parents would you?

Well I did and you can see the letter that I posted along with all the others that have been written and posted by clicking here

You can see my letter at the bottom of the post as I have no worries about being identified

THE PROJECT

Letters for Them is an ongoing project I started at the Rhode Island School of Design (RISD). I was adopted from Hefei, China in 1994 at eight months old. I am currently a junior at RISD pursuing a BFA in Graphic Design. I’m constantly looking for ways to explore my personal history in my work. For a while now I’ve had this idea…

It all began when I found some old drawings I had made as a kid (maybe six or seven years old). They were letters that I had written to my birthparents when I was first beginning to understand where I came from. They were never sent as neither I nor my mom know my birthparents nor had any way of contacting/finding them.  We went back to China between my senior year of high school and my first year at RISD. While there, we were able to visit my orphanage, which has since changed quite a lot. We saw my file, which like we had expected, offered no new information as to who these unknown people were/are. Since then I continue thinking about what I’d want to say to them if I ever did have the chance to meet them. Letters for Them came as an idea that perhaps other adoptees think about this as well. Wouldn’t it be cool if we all had a common place to send these technically unsendable letters? Thus, Letter for Them was born.

 

Those are Robin Xinping’s own words from her website Letters For Them
Check it out people very interesting and I have to say the letter that I wrote was not what I expected to write!

London, 2014
Dear Mum and Dad,
This is your daughter writing to you. I don’t know whether you are alive or dead. But I’ve always wanted to make contact with you, to find you somehow. Even if I cannot hold you then at least my words can embrace you. I have oh, so many questions that I want to ask you. I don’t know where to begin. Where am I supposed to start. I guess first and foremost, why? Why did you leave me on the stairs of number nine Austin Avenue in Kowloon? Is that where you lived? Do I have brothers and sisters? Are you from Hong Kong? Or did you make the journey from mainland China to Hong Kong and if so what were you escaping from? Where you running away at all? How long had you lived in Hong Kong and where? When did life get so bad that you have to abandon your daughter on a public stairwell? Did you stay and watch to make sure I was found? Did you ever think of claiming me back. What must your thoughts have been when you heard the radio advertisements announcing that they had found yet another baby and that if anyone knew anything or were related to the baby to come forward? Or were you still in Hong Kong or had you gone somewhere else. Did you shelter in the Walled City for a while? Did you know that they flew me away from you to the other side of the world to become another family’s child? Will I ever see you again? Will I ever know where you’re buried if you are no longer alive? I don’t speak Chinese. So I’m using google translate, it’s probably an awful translation. But that’s the only way I can at least try and speak to you as the daughter I should have been. If only I had just one small thing, a dog-eared photograph of you, anything of your’s that would bring me closer to you. I have nothing not even memories of Hong Kong. They wiped me clean Mum, they emptied me out and sucked me dry. I had nothing to hold on to Mum, I’m so sorry. I feel as if I have let you down. That I turned my back on you. But I tried, I tried, I really did. There is a blemish on my heart, a hole that will never be filled which should have been where you were. Instead it’s just an open wound. An emotional scar that will always be there. I’m doing alright , all things considered. So your sacrifice wasn’t for nothing. It didn’t come without a price though. But I’m alive and have a pretty good life in some senses. I just thought that you’d like to know. I am all that I am because of you and no one can take that away from me. I just wish that I know who you were an where you are and that I could share this with you.
Always your daughter
Chau Lai-Tuen that’s the Chinese name the orphanage gave me.

倫敦2014

親愛的爸爸媽媽,
這是你的女兒寫信給你。我不知道你是否是活著還是死了。但我一直想同您聯繫,找到你弄好了。即使我不能抱著你,那麼至少我的話可以擁抱你。我有哦,那我要問你這麼多問題。我不知道從哪裡開始。我應該在哪裡開始。我想首先是,為什麼?你為什麼要離開我的號柯士甸路九中九樓梯?是,你住哪裡?我是否有兄弟姐妹嗎?你是從香港?還是你使旅程從中國大陸到香港,如果是的話你到底在逃跑?在那裡你離家出走呢?你在香港住了多久了?在哪裡?生命是何時變得這麼糟糕,你不得不放棄你的女兒在一個公共樓梯間?你留下來觀看,以確保我被發現?你有沒有想過,聲稱我回來的。一定有什麼想法一直當你聽到電台廣告,宣布他們已經發現另一種孩子,如果有人知道任何東西,或都與寶寶挺身而出?或者仍然是你在香港或你曾去別的地方。你在城寨收留了一會兒?你知道嗎,他們飛到我遠離你到世界的另一邊,成為另一個家庭的孩子?我將永遠見不到你了?我將永遠知道您要去哪裡,如果你不再活著埋葬?我不會說中國話。所以我用谷歌翻譯,它可能是一個可怕的翻譯。但是,這是我至少可以嘗試,並作為女兒,我會一直講的唯一途徑。如果我有只是一個很小的事情,你狗耳的照片,你的任何會帶給我更接近你。我沒有什麼香港甚至沒有記憶。他們消滅乾淨我媽媽,他們掏空了我,並吸我幹的。我沒有什麼要留住媽媽,我很抱歉。我覺得,如果我讓你們失望了。那我把我的背你。但我試過,我試過了,我真的做到了。有關於我的心臟,永遠不會被填滿本來應該在那裡你是一個有洞的污點。相反,它只是一個開放的傷口。情感傷痕,將永遠存在。我做的很好,所有的事情考慮。所以,你的犧牲是不是沒有。這並非沒有代價,但。但我還活著,並有一個很好的生活在某種意義上。我只是覺得,你想知道的。我都是因為你,沒有人,我可以採取的離我而去。我只希望,我知道你是誰的你在哪裡,我能與大家分享這個。
總是你的女兒
洲麗屯這就是中國名福利院給了我。
Lúndūn 2014

Qīn’ài de bàba māmā,
Zhè shì nǐ de nǚ’ér xiě xìn gěi nǐ. Wǒ bù zhīdào nǐ shìfǒu shì huózhe háishì sǐle. Dàn wǒ yīzhí xiǎng tóng nín liánxì, zhǎodào nǐ nòng hǎole. Jíshǐ wǒ bùnéng bàozhe nǐ, nàme zhìshǎo wǒ dehuà kěyǐ yǒngbào nǐ. Wǒ yǒu ó, nà wǒ yào wèn nǐ zhème duō wèntí. Wǒ bù zhīdào cóng nǎlǐ kāishǐ. Wǒ yīnggāi zài nǎlǐ kāishǐ. Wǒ xiǎng shǒuxiān shi, wèishéme? Nǐ wèishéme yào líkāi wǒ de hào kē shì diān lù jiǔ zhōng jiǔ lóutī? Shì, nǐ zhù nǎlǐ? Wǒ shìfǒu yǒu xiōngdì jiěmèi ma? Nǐ shì cóng xiānggǎng? Háishì nǐ shǐ lǚchéng cóng zhōngguó dàlù dào xiānggǎng, rúguǒ shì dehuà nǐ dàodǐ zài táopǎo? Zài nàlǐ nǐ lí jiā chūzǒu ne? Nǐ zài xiānggǎng zhùle duōjiǔle? Zài nǎlǐ? Shēngmìng shì héshí biàn de zhème zāogāo, nǐ bùdé bù fàngqì nǐ de nǚ’ér zài yīgè gōnggòng lóutī jiān? Nǐ liú xiàlái guānkàn, yǐ quèbǎo wǒ pī fà xiàn? Nǐ yǒu méiyǒu xiǎngguò, shēngchēng wǒ huílái de. Yīdìng yǒu shé me xiǎngfǎ yīzhí dāng nǐ tīngdào diàntái guǎnggào, xuānbù tāmen yǐjīng fāxiàn lìng yīzhǒng háizi, rúguǒ yǒurén zhīdào rènhé dōngxi, huò dōu yǔ bǎobǎo tǐngshēn ér chū? Huòzhě réngrán shì nǐ zài xiānggǎng huò nǐ céng qù bié dì dìfāng. Nǐ zài chéng zhài shōuliúle yīhuǐ’er? Nǐ zhīdào ma, tāmen fēi dào wǒ yuǎnlí nǐ dào shìjiè de lìng yībiān, chéngwéi lìng yīgè jiātíng de háizi? Wǒ jiāng yǒngyuǎn jiàn bù dào nǐle? Wǒ jiāng yǒngyuǎn zhīdào nín yào qù nǎlǐ, rúguǒ nǐ bù zài huózhe máizàng? Wǒ bù huì shuō zhōngguó huà. Suǒyǐ wǒ yòng gǔgē fānyì, tā kěnéng shì yīgè kěpà de fānyì. Dànshì, zhè shì wǒ zhìshǎo kěyǐ chángshì, bìng zuòwéi nǚ’ér, wǒ huì yīzhí jiǎng de wéiyī tújìng. Rúguǒ wǒ yǒu zhǐshì yīgè hěn xiǎo de shìqíng, nǐ gǒu ěr de zhàopiàn, nǐ de rènhé huì dài gěi wǒ gèng jiējìn nǐ. Wǒ méiyǒu shé me xiānggǎng shènzhì méiyǒu jìyì. Tāmen xiāomiè gānjìng wǒ māmā, tāmen tāo kōngle wǒ, bìng xī wǒ gàn de. Wǒ méiyǒu shé me yào liú zhù māmā, wǒ hěn bàoqiàn. Wǒ juéde, rúguǒ wǒ ràng nǐmen shīwàngle. Nà wǒ bǎ wǒ de bèi nǐ. Dàn wǒ shìguò, wǒ shìguòle, wǒ zhēn de zuò dàole. Yǒu guānyú wǒ de xīnzàng, yǒngyuǎn bù huì bèi tián mǎn běnlái yīnggāi zài nàlǐ nǐ shì yīgè yǒu dòng de wūdiǎn. Xiāngfǎn, tā zhǐshì yīgè kāifàng de shāngkǒu. Qínggǎn shānghén, jiāng yǒngyuǎn cúnzài. Wǒ zuò de hěn hǎo, suǒyǒu de shìqíng kǎolǜ. Suǒyǐ, nǐ de xīshēng shì bùshì méiyǒu. Zhè bìngfēi méiyǒu dàijià, dàn. Dàn wǒ hái huózhe, bìng yǒu yīgè hěn hǎo de shēnghuó zài mǒu zhǒng yìyì shàng. Wǒ zhǐshì juéde, nǐ xiǎng zhīdào de. Wǒ dū shì yīnwèi nǐ, méiyǒu rén, wǒ kěyǐ cǎiqǔ de lí wǒ ér qù. Wǒ zhǐ xīwàng, wǒ zhīdào nǐ shì shuí de nǐ zài nǎlǐ, wǒ néng yǔ dàjiā fēnxiǎng zhège.
Zǒng shì nǐ de nǚ’ér
Zhōu lì tún zhè jiùshì zhōngguó míng fúlì yuàn gěile wǒ.

 

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